It Feeds On Noodles!
by Mr. Smith1991
Summary: Zim is bitten by a vampire and mutates into a hideous Irken/Vampire crossbreed with an unquenchable hunger for Chinese Food. Now he must find a way to cure himself before his base is littered with take-out boxes. Based upon the unfinished episode.
1. Chapter 1

It began as any other day of the week. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing and the cities' massive homeless population had ambushed and eaten alive a prolific hedge-fund manager. Across town, on the opposite side of the city from the scene of the cannibalistic hobos, lay the Skool which, despite recent cutbacks in the education budget, was recently in session.

Today's lesson had included a short, archaic film on how best to avoid developing scurvy whilst traveling the high seas. As the film ended and the floresant lights flicked back on in the classroom, eldritch crone known as Ms. Bitters spoke, "As you can see, children. The hubris of the adventurous sailors was punished severely by fate, stricken down by the horrible malady, many a mariner died a horrible, agonizing death in the foolish pursuit of a better life. Let this be a reminder of the folly of hope and foolhearty exploration. Any questions?"

Several hands, and one foot, shot up throughout the classroom, the children attached asking such inane questions such as: "Will I get scurvy if I don't brush my teeth?" and "Does walrus meat prevent scurvy?"

But one question broke the pattern. It was Zita, the purple-haired girl situated behind the ugly, green kid that inquired: "Hey. Where's Poonchy?"

All heads turned to vacant desk in the front row as the abscense of it's owner became glaringly obvious. A feral growl accompanied by the hissing of cicadas broke the silence as Ms. Bitters glared at the empty desk. The crone's arm shot out, stretching farther than the length of her body, to snatch up the phone upon her desk. "Hello. This is Classroom Thirteen. One of children has escaped... send the dogs."

Ms. Bitters returned her attention to the remaining children, who were quite visibly wincing (they had all knew of the demon hounds that had replaced the truancy officers some years back), and spoke, "It seems as though Poonchy has decided to skip skool today. His punishment with be swift and terrible. In a meantime, the skoolboard has sent a substitute student to take the little vermin's place." The arch-hag raised her hand to the classroom door, the entrance to the room opening through her sheer force of will, to reveal the substitute student.

Let's get this over with.

The new student was female and possessed the pale, white skin of someone who had spent their entire life on the underside of a rock. Her hair looked like she had taken the skin off of a dead skunk, dyed it's stripe pink, then stapled it to her head. Her clothes were schizophrenic to put it politely. She wore a black coat that seemed to have once been a straightjacket and a pair of combat boots possessing a redundant amount of buckles, these were starkly contrasted by a bright, pink tutu and tights also present upon her form.

She looked like an epileptic licorice all-sort.

Wide-eyed and with a manic smile upon her face, she addressed her fellow students in a voice that sounded like someone taking a sledgehammer to a dogtoy.

"_**HIIIII**_, everyone! My name is _**COUNTNEY!**_ And I'm _**SO EXCITED**_ to be here!" She gave a shrill, squealing giggle that caused fissures to appear in glass windows. The horrid child looked upon the rest of the class, eyes darting from student to student, taking in the sights of her new peers who looked back at her with boredom and contempt.

All save for the ugly, green kid. He looked at her in pure terror. For while the rest of the classroom saw her bright, smiling eyesore of her face, Zim saw nothing of the sort. He saw her staring right at him through emotionless, half-lidded eyes, her face blank save for the faintest hint of cold determination.

Had Zim possessed a bladder, it would have emptied on the spot.

Now, how it is physically possible for Countney to stare intensely at Zim whilst at the same time smiling to the rest of the class is open for debate. Let's continue on with the story, shall we.

"If you're excited then it means you haven't been paying attention. Sit down, you horrible child." Commanded Ms. Bitters, a hand pointing to the empty desk with a sound akin to the cracking of a whip.

Skipping happily to the vacant seat, or what Zim saw, which was her floating over, never breaking her intense stare, the girl sat down and the lesson continued.

* * *

It was after lunch when the new girl arrived, so Skool was soon over. None of the other children flooding the streets were quite as happy as Zim with this occurrence. Countney had continued to stare at him throughout the rest of the skool day and it gave the Irken Invader the absolute creeps. When the bell sounded the alien was out of door in a flash, leaving the creepy girl behind in the resulting stampede of children.

That had been several minutes ago and the Irken was now half-way to his base with not a care in all of known space. Whistling a cheerful tune, the alien took a right turn and found himself strolling down a dark alleyway. Like a deflating balloon his whistling stopped as he found himself face to face with large, brick wall.

"Oh, who put this here?!" Zim demanded of no one in particular as to why an enormous piece of masonry, which had been there since before his arrival on Earth, was now standing in his way.

"Zim shall return one day to reap vengeance upon you for standing in his way, foul construct of baked clay! Do you hear me?! ONE DAAAAAAAAAAY!" Satisfied that he had sufficiently terrified the inanimate, immovable object with the threat of his unstoppable force, the Irken spun upon his heel and strode back out towards the street.

And wouldn't you know it, there stood the creepy, staring girl from before at the end of the alley.

"Give it a rest, demonic grub-girl! Your little staring trick has gotten old and no longer impresses the mighty ZIIIIIIIM!" He shouted at his stalker as he crossed his arms. "Come back when you have some new material!"

Countney began to walk slowly towards the irritated Irken, taking short, slow steps. Then it seemed as though someone had pressed a reality-bending fast-forward button for a second and the creepy girl was suddenly one third of the way there.

"Hm, well. That's new." Zim had to admit.

The horrid girl used this trick twice more to close the distance. Coming face to face his her prey, her eyes turned white and pupil-less and she let out a screech, revealing long, pointy fangs which she soon sank into the soft, green flesh of Zim's neck.

It took a second for the Irken to realize what had happened. When he did, he let out a terrified scream of terror and started to run around in a circle, swatting with flailing limbs at the bloodsucking child which was hanging onto his neck like a fish on a hook. This went on for several moments before Zim tripped over a pile of garbage cans and ended up flat on his Pak.

Her prey finally rendered dazed, Countney started to suck the green boy's blood. However, as the taste of the alien's blood-juices touched her tongue she released her hold upon her victim's neck and leaped back.

"_**Ewwww! **_You taste _**YUCKY!**_ Bleeeeeeh!" Blowing raspberries as she attempted to get the awful taste out of her mouth, the horrid, vampire child climbed up the wretched brick wall like a spider monkey, fleeing the scene.

Leaving Zim, lying dazed and confused like a discarded sock, alone in the alley.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been several minutes since the vampire attack and Zim felt sick. His green skin was looking sickly and pale, and more so than usual. His eyes were sunken and unfocused and flies had begun to gather in the corners. As he lay there, groaning and motionless aside from the occasional twitch, a horrible chihuahua started to make off with his wig.

A metal spiderleg shot out of the Irken's Pak and snapped down on the hairpiece, frightening away the canine thief. The segmented, mechanical limb dragged the wig back to it's owner as he sat up with a groan.

"I hate this planet." The Irken said, slapping the wig back over his antenna. With a pained grunt he stood up, his skeleton making all manner of sickening cracking noises as he hobbled out of the alley. As he stepped out of the shadows and into the sunlight he noticed how bright the wretched star had suddenly become.

He also noticed that his skin had begun to bubble and smoke.

* * *

"Well, Bobby. It seems as though the votes are not in your favor, today."

"Aw, man."

"Yes, yes. Well, into the volcano with you!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

GIR giggled madly as another reality show contestant was sacrificed to the volcano god. This had been, by-far, the best episode of the season. As the screams of the washed-up, former child-star filled the living room in glorious stereo, the automaton barely noticed the pained screams belonging to his master that were quickly approaching the front door. The Men's Room door burst open and slammed shut, Zim stood with his back pressed against the entrance, his skin still bubbling and blistering and a small fire had started in his wig.

GIR stared at his master with his usual dumb smile, "... So, how was skool?"

The Irken gave a sigh, pulling the combusting hairpiece off of his head and stomping the fire out as though this were a common occurrence. "Oh, you know. The usual."

The robot pointed to the television, "You missed-ed da snacky-fice!"

"Who was it this time?"

"BOBBY!" The automaton screeched, "He burned gooooooooooood."

"Well, he WAS five-hundred and thirty pounds of pure, human fat." Zim said, staggering over to the kitchen. Skoodge was sitting at the table, talking into a laptop.

"Yeah, I'll keep an eye open! Gotta go!" Closing the laptop, the fat Irken greeted his friend with a wide smile, "Hey, buddy! Wow, you don't look so good!"

Zim groaned, "Silence, Skoodge... Zim is fine!" The Invader's cheeks ballooned out for a moment as if he were about to vomit.

"Zim... just needs a soda..." He said, pulling open the refrigerator door. Looking at the contents of the fridge, the Irken gave a growl. "GIR! What have I told you about filling the refrigerator with this dis-GUSTING takeout!"

"I WASN'T LISTENIN'!" The robot screamed with a giggle. Zim slapped his palm to his forehead, reaching into the fridge and pulling out a box of Chinese takeout to hold it up in example.

"GIR, you cannot keep filling our food supplies with this... this..." The Irken trailed off in confusion as he noticed his limbs were shakily opening the box. Looking into the container at the cold, clammy noodles, Zim felt something strange and horrific. A painful, overwhelming hunger. "Wh-what is this?!"

"Chow Fun?" Skoodge said, watching as his smeethood friend dropped the container and was now trembling and clutching his head.

"What's... happening... to... meeeeeeeeeeee- AHHHHH!" Zim screamed in terror as two new teeth sprouted from out of his gums. They were long, thin and made of wood.

He had grown a pair of chopsticks.

The Infected Irken gave a feral hiss, his new teeth clicking together like a pair of insect pincers as he descended upon the spilled noodles. He gobbled them up with an unnatural hunger then turned his attention to the rest of the takeout in the fridge. The others looked on in horror as they witnessed Zim devour the leftovers like a hungry fat kid with a ketchup-covered ham. After consuming several boxes of takeout, the Irken seemed to regain some measure of sanity (well, as sane as he usually was.).

"I've... I've got no control! I keep eating and eating! Something is terribly wrong!" Zim said, tossing away an empty container and reaching for the fried rice.

"Welcome to my world! Now, if you excuse me. I gotta go change my pants!" Skoodge cheerfully said, turning around and fleeing in terror from the horrific scene.

"MASTAH'S A WALRUS!" GIR exclaimed, pointing at Zim's new teeth. The Irken touched the wooden pincers with a gasp, the new mandibles shrinking back into Zim's head as the hunger was eased.

"Quickly, GIR! To the Lab! We must discover the cause of this hunger before it returns and I'm forced to consume more of this FILTHY Earth FILTH!"

The automaton threw his arms into the air and cheered before heading back to the couch and continuing to watch T.V.

"... That means now, GIR."

"Aw, man."

* * *

Several minutes and tests later, Zim found himself staring at the lab's massive computer screen, a model of his D.N.A. on full display. A mutation had been detected in his genetic code, as the Irken had suspected. "As I suspected! My superior genes have been corrupted by a FILTHY Earth Mutagen Agent!"

"Yeah, that's basically what I just finished telling you." The computer said.

"SILENCE! Run a search of the genetic database. I need to know what we're dealing with."

"Beginning search. Please stand by." The computer put on some elevator music as it began to run it's search engine. A few moments later it responded, "Genetic Code not found in any of the Earth Databases. Expanding search to Galactic Database. Error. D.N.A. sample not found. Would you like to add an entry?"

"NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE TO ADD AN ENTRY!"

"Okay, okay. Just asking! Jeez! Well, it seems as though this is the first known occurrence of this mutation. CONGRATULATIONS!" The computer played a soundbite of party music, blowing confetti at the mutated Irken as a mechanical arm lowered a foam, novelty hat with the words: "1# Freak" on it onto Zim's head. As you can imagine, Zim was none too happy with this, tearing the hat from his head and stomping on it with a hatred usually reserved for silverfish and pop-up adds.

After several moments of intense swearing and stomping, Zim inquired, "Computer! How could I have contracted this HIDEOUS mutagen?!"

"I dunno... toilet seat, maybe?" The computer was clearly stumped.

It was then that the attention of the spastic, metal child that was Zim's long-time minion was caught upon something on his master's neck, pointing with a gasp, "MASTAH GOTS A HICKEY!"

"WHAT?!" The Irken exclaimed.

"Woohoo! Way to go, Zim!" Cheered Skoodge, who had rejoined Zim's company shortly after finding a pair of boxers with little piggies on them to replaces his pants, "Was it that girl that sits next to you in class? I always figured you had a thing for girls with purple- waitminute! That isn't a hickey!"

"Of course it isn't, you FOOL! As if I would let one of these putrid human put their FILTHY lips upon my neck- Hey, what're you doin'?" The offended Irken questioned as Skoodge had suddenly connected his laptop to the computer and was rapidly tapping away at it.

"Computer, run a comparison of the mutated D.N.A. with this genetic sample!" The portly Irken commanded.

"Yeah, sure." After a moment the computer made a _DING!_ noise, indicating the test was complete. "Comparison Complete! Mutation consistent with provided genetic sample. I'll just take this back, then."

Skoodge nodded sagely as a mechanical arm dragged the smashed novelty hat away, "As I suspected! Zim, I know exactly what infected you! Behold!" The fat Irken dramatically pressed a button upon his laptop and displayed an image of the culprit upon the big screen.

It was a picture of Count Cocofang.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! They've turned me into a breakfast cereal mascot! Curse them! CURSE THEM ALL!" Zim howled, taking to his knees to curse whatever had condemned him to such a cruel fate.

"What? How'd that get in there?" Skoodge pressed a button and the image changed to an image of a vampire, white-eyed and biting someone's neck, "No, you've been bitten by a vampire."

"Oh." Zim said, sounding a bit disappointed that he had wasted his curses. "Well, that's different, then."

"I'll say! It looks like the mutagen effects Irken D.N.A. slightly different than it does humans', somehow." Skoodge typed away at his laptop, "Hm, according to this, as long as your hunger remains nicely satiated, you should have no problem walking around in the sun and performing other activities!"

"Well, that's good. I-" Zim clutched his stomach as a deep growl could be heard, his chopstick fangs beginning to descend, "Ugh! What's happening?! The hunger! It returns!"

"Uh! Uh! Uh!" Skoodge looked about in panic, huffing and stuttering as he did a quick search on his computer, "Aha! Oh no. Oh NO!"

"What?!" The mutating Irken demanded, chopstick pincers clacking in hunger.

"Apparently, fifteen minutes after eating Chinese food... you're hungry again!"

"WHAT?! How can I conquer the Earth if I have to stuff my face with noodles every fifteen minutes?! There has to be some kind of cure! Skoodge, please tell me there's a cure!"

"Uh! Uh!" The fat Irken panicked, tugging on his antennas in anxiety, "I don't know! I DON'T KNOOOOOOW! AHH! AHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH- Lemme just check."

Skoodge pressed a button on the computer and scanned the page with his eyes, "Hm, there IS a cure... but, it's messy."

"What is it?! Tell meeeee! Tell ZIM!"

The fat Irken turned around, an air of dread hanging in the atmosphere, his eyes narrowed and his face darkened dramatically. "We're going to need a stake."


	3. Chapter 3

Night fell over the city. Dark clouds threatened to rain down their fury upon the sprawling metropolis. Luckily, our heroes were prepared for such a possibility. Donned in dark red, rain resistant ponchos, the mutated, Irken Invader and his faithful, robot dog made their way through the urban jungle towards their destination. The lair of the vampire that had infected Zim.

"Alright, GIR. Let's go over the plan, again." The Irken exclaimed, "We track down the vile, human bloodpig that dared to infect the mighty Zim!"

"Mhm!"

"We confront her and during the resulting battle, which I am sure to win -because I am AMAZING-, I subdue the foul sucky beast of suckiness!"

"Mokay."

"Then YOU hit her with the- GIR, what are you eating?" Zim inquired, a brow raised at his mechanical minion.

"Mnuffin'." The dog-suited robot said, turning away from the Irken. Zim narrowed his eyes and grabbed GIR by the shoulder, turning him around to find what looked like a noodle hanging out of his mouth.

"GIR! NO!" The Irken exclaimed, grabbing the noodle and pulling it from the robot's mouth. Only it turned out to be not so much a noodle as it was a possum's tail, slightly chewed possum still attached. The semi-masticated marsupial gave a hiss, causing Zim to scream and hurl the beast towards a nearby sleeping hobo. The possum borrowed into the filthy vagrant's beard, to which the owner simply shrugged and rolled over, returning to his state of slumber. The Irken stared in shock for a few moments before chuckling,

"Phew! For a second there, I thought you ate the takeout that was supposed to sustain me during this mission!"

"Don't be silly, mastah!" GIR smiled as his master, who was having a good laugh over the situation, "I already ate those!"

"YOU-" The Irken sputtered, having himself a nice, little fit before sighing and bowing his head, "Of course you did."

It was at that moment that the Crazy Taco wristwatch that Zim was using to monitor his mutant hunger went off. Doubling over as his guts cried out in starvation, the Irken looked around in panic as he felt the wooden fangs descending once more. That's when he saw his salvation.

Wang Phat's Noodle Hut.

* * *

"So good of you to agree to meet us, Mister Chairman!" The World's Greatest Scientist, Professor Membrane, greeted the Chinese foreign leader.

"Well, when the great Professor Membrane asks to meet in a restaurant serving cheap food I could get anywhere in my own country, how can one refuse?" The Chairman sounded just the tiniest bit bitter over this fact. The Professor just laughed this off.

"Ho-ho! You're welcome, Mister Chairman! Of course, part of the reason I asked to meet here was for my kids!" Membrane gestured towards his children, whose faces were buried in menus, "I could hardly deny them the chance to meet the esteemed leader of China while indulging in authentic, Chinese Food!"

Gaz looked up from the menu briefly to order, "I'll have the pizza-flavored potstickers."

The Chairman made a face of disgust at the disgusting, Americanized appetizer while the Professor just chuckled.

"Of course, honey. Whatever you want!" Membrane turned back to his guest, "Mister Chairman, allow me to introduce you to my children. This strapping young lad with the enormous head is my son: Dib!"

"MY HEAD'S NOT BIG! Nice to meet you." Dib said, looking up from the menu at the Chairman that looked a bit taken aback by the sudden outburst.

"As soon as I find a way to cure his HORRIBLE INSANITY he shall inherit the Membrane Empire and take my place as greatest scientist in the world!"

"Actually, I'm going to be a paranormal-" Dib began, but was soon interrupted as the Professor continued introductions.

"And this is my lovely daughter: Gaz! Possibly a future popstar! Or a weathergirl!"

"I'm kinda leaning towards designing weapons of horrible, nightmare inducing, face melting, organ liquifying DOOM." As Gaz spoke, the familiar darkness of her twisted soul bled into air, causing the nearby, plastic foliage to wither and die. "... that or video game design."

"Ho-ho! The sky's the limit, as long as you keep up with your studies!" The Professor said, patting his little, nightmare child on the head. The Chairman was terrified and trembling, as he had every right to be, having just met Professor Membrane's most horrific creation.

"Oh look! The food has arrived! Let the nourishment begin!" The Professor spoke with his usual gravitas as their various dishes were served. However, before anyone at the table could dig into the steaming hot food, a clatter was heard from the kitchen. It was then that Wang Phat, the Chinese-American proprietor of the restaurant could be heard screaming in broken English.

"PASTA FAGIOLI! Get away from-a my noodles, you filthy maiali!" The sound of someone being struck with a frying pan could be heard after the exclamation and something green, dark red and squealing flew out of the kitchen and landed right on the fried rice at Membrane's table. The frying pan could be heard yet again, another one of the perpetrators flying from the kitchen and landing in the middle of the restaurant. "I see-a you in-a my restaurant again, I'm-a gonna feed you to-a my GOATS!"

"ZIM?!" Dib exclaimed in shock as the second perpetrator got up. His skin pale and his wig looking unruly and unkempt from being stomped on and lit on fire earlier, the infected Irken turned towards the big-headed boy and let out a hiss, showing off his long, wooden fangs.

"WHOA!" Dib yelled in surprise as he looked upon the Irken's strange, unexpected mutation. Zim looked as though he was about to dismember the human boy right then and there until a waiter arrived with the rest of the Membrane table's food.

"Your garlic eggplant, sir." As the gooey, garlic-y eggplant crossed Zim's path the mutant Irken gave a hiss and drew his cloak up defensively, recoiling from the offending dish. Dib took notice of this, impaling some of the eggplant on a fork, he leaped towards the infected Invader, thrusting the food-laden utensil at the Irken.

"Back! BACK!" Dib commanded at the hissing Zim, warding him away. The Irken continued to back away from the horrible, big-headed boy and his fork. Noticing a bag full of takeout boxes that had just been placed upon the maître d's desk, Zim gave one final hiss at his nemesis before grabbing the bag and fleeing the restaurant. GIR, who had begun devouring the mountainous pile of fried rice soon after landing upon it, giggled and followed his master, leaving a plate of uneaten peas and carrots where once a large pile of delicious, fried grain had once stood.

"Zim's somehow mutated into a hideous, mutant vampire! It this bad! Who know what EVIL he could commit with his new, vampiric powers?!"

"Is he talking to us?" The Chairman inquired.

Membrane sighed, "No, he just does this, sometimes."

"But, wait... the garlic! Of course! He may have new powers, but now he also has new weaknesses! It'll be dangerous, but this could be my one chance to put an end to his evil invasion, once and for all! Just you wait, Zim! Your takeout stealing days are OVER, SPACEBOY!"

"Should we be at all concerned over his insane babbling?" The foreign dignitary asked as Dib charged heroically out of the restaurant.

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be just fine." But, as Professor Membrane said this, the clattering of trashcans could be heard as his big-headed son tripped and fell.

"I'm okay!"

Membrane narrowed his eyes in slight concern, rethinking his position, "Hm. Daughter, be a FANTASTIC girl and go keep your brother from being a danger to himself and others, will you? We don't want to have to endure any waiting rooms at the Crazy House, now do we?"

Gaz sighed, placing a half-eaten pizza potsticker back on her plate (she had been eaten throughout the entire encounter, completely unphased by the event). "FINE. These potstickers are stupid, anyway."

* * *

After picking himself up off the street, narrowly avoiding being run-over by a diaper-recycling truck, Dib realized that he would need help to take down the vampirically augmented Invader.

"I'm going to need help to take down this vampirically augmented Invader! Luckily, the Swollen Eyeball Net is filled with experienced hunters of the paranormal!" Pulling his laptop out of his coat, he went about trying to contact one of the hardened, vampire-slaying agents of the secret society. Instead, he managed to the S.E.N.'s most recent addition to the ranks.

"Agent Bloated Rat here- Oh, hey! Agent Mothman! How's it goin'?" Spoke the fat, silhouette of the Junior Eyeball.

"Agent Bloated Rat, I require an experienced Vampire Hunter as soon as possible. Is anyone available?!"

"Hm, lemme check." The red eyes of the digital anonymity filter narrowed, the typing of keys could be heard in the background. "Hm. Seems like no one from the organization is available. BUT, there is a freelancer who has an office near your location! I'll give you the address, 'kay!"

"Thank you, Agent Bloated Rat! You may have just saved the world!"

"Really? Cool. Keep your eyes swollen, Agent Mothman!" The silhouette gave a salute as he ended the call, the address of the freelancer popping up in his place.

The big-headed boy grinned menacingly and clenched his fist, "This ends tonight, Zim!"


	4. Chapter 4

Fetid Heights Offices. It was as nice at it sounds. The Colossal-Craniumed Savior of Earth had followed the directions to a T and now found himself staring at one of the most rundown, low-income commercial buildings in the city.

"Well, I suppose the economy has been rough on everyone." Dib attempted to reassure himself as he watched a tumbleweed, with a pigeon trapped inside, pass in front of him. He made his way into the building, passing by a several interesting hobos on the way, most notably one that had a possum in his beard and one that seemed to be pushing around a shopping cart full of, what Dib assumed to be, the bones of a monkey wearing a suit, he found himself in front of the office he was looking for.

"It can't smell any worse in there than it does out here." He told himself as he turned the knob and stepped into the office. Boy, was he ever wrong.

"Oh, MAN!" Dib's eyes instantly began to water, it smelled like a monkey house in there, and Dib would know. The overpowering stench was so powerful that the big-headed boy didn't even notice the tripwire until it was too late. Snapping his head to the right, Dib could just make out the stake-loaded crossbow he had triggered, the wooden spike sailed towards him and the big-headed boy could see his life flashing before his eyes.

TH-THUNK!

Of course, the trap had been designed for someone much taller than Dib. The stake having sailed right over the boy's giant head, splitting itself on Dib's abnormal hair and lodging itself in two pieces on the opposite wall. No longer in immediate danger and having grown used to the smell, the young paranormal investigator took a moment to look around the room. Tinfoil covered the windows, and paranormal posters and obsessed scribbling decorated the walls. At the other end of the office was a desk, littered with empty Poop Cola cans and Chicky-Licky buckets. And in one corner, Dib swore he could see a big pile of bananas.

Hearing a groan behind the desk, Dib quickly rushed over to find a man lanky man in a yellowed tank-top, boxer shorts and a robe. The sound of the trap must have waken him up from his slumber. Dib reached out to the man's shoulder to turn him around, "H-Hello?"

It was Bill. Paranormal Investigator Bill. The man who had spent his career chasing after mascots in costumes. He was unkempt, unshaven and he smelled unholy, but Dib still recognized him. He still had his sunglasses on.

"Oh no! Not you!"

"Yes, little man. Me too. Life has decided to take a great, sorrowful POOP on my life, as well." The Washed-Up Idiot said, taking a drink from a half-empty can of Poop Cola before continuing, "I never asked to be your hero, kid. Go look up to someone else!"

"That's not what I-" Dib sighed, arguing with Bill did not have a history of going his way. "Look, I don't have time for this, there's a vampire on the loose and-"

"Vampire?" For a brief, shimmering moment it seemed as if Bill might still have the same, utterly deranged fire that he once had so long ago. "... Nuts to them, kid! I spent my entire life hunting after those bloodsuckers and look what it got me!"

"Yeah, but this one is also an alien who-"

"Them and their... LAWYERS! The vicious, blood-sucking litigators sucked me dry with their... LAWSUITS and... RESTRAINING ORDERS!"

"Yes, but if you'd just hear me out for a sec-"

"You know they tried to have me committed to the Crazy House for Men? I'd be locked up there right now if it weren't for the budget cuts!"

"Okay, I'm beginning to see that it was a mistake coming-"

"Face it, kid! The realm of the strange and unusual is no place for a poor, washed up guy like me!"

"... Gotta agree with you, there!" Dib wasn't really interested in listening to any more of the poor jerk's sob story. "Look, I gotta go take care of this whole vampire situation, so-"

"Hah! You think you can take on the spooky horde by yourself, kid? You've got guts! I used to have guts... until HE pulled them out with a spoon!" Bill said, pointing dramatically to a notice board, covered in photos and documents and connected in string. At the center of it all was Count Cocofang.

"... I'm going now." Dib said, thoroughly unamused as he turned towards the door.

"Wait, little man!" Bill said, staggering to his feet and reaching into his pocket, "If you're going up against the 'Fang... you'll need one of THESE!"

The young paranormal investigator turned around, taking the object the wash-up offered him. "A... banana?"

"The Vamps hate 'em! It's why you never see any vampires in the tropics... except in February."

Dib stared at the spotty, yellow crescent in his hand for a moment, wondering if perhaps there was merit in Bill's words. Then he remembered the smell. "Um... you wouldn't happen to have anything like that crossbow back there... in case... I lose the banana?"

"Good thinking, kid. Never give them an inch! You know, I'm beginning to see a bit of myself in you." Dib had to make a face at that statement. That was perhaps the most insulting thing anyone had ever said to him. Bill continued, "I think I have just the thing."  
Bill walked over to a large, cloth-covered object on a table near the window. He pulled the dusty sheet off the object and tore the tinfoil off the window, bathing it in glorious moonlight.

Upon the table appeared to a cross between a crossbow and a machine gun.

"Okay... that's a lot better than a banana."

"The Stake-inator 5000! The finest vampire hunting weapon outside of bananas. If it weren't for the lawsuit from the Barbeque Supplies Company I would have had hundreds of these babies in homes across the country!"

"... It doesn't shoot meat, does it?"

"What?! Of course it doesn't shoot meat! It shoots wood! What kind of a fool do you take me for?!"

Being short on time as it was, Dib decided not to go down that particular road. He picked up the Stake-inator and headed towards the door, "Well, I guess I'm off to stake a vampire."

"Good luck, little man! The world needs a hero! And I'm just to washed up to fill that role, anymore!"

"... You wouldn't happen to know where a vampire might go, would you?" Dib couldn't believe he was asking this idiot.

"The Coco-Splodies Warehouse! The place is swarming with Count Cocofang's undead minions! It's near Castle Spooky, you can't miss it!"

"Castle Spooky?"

"The giant, Gothic castle on the edge of town. The government built it to distract us from the vampires' REAL operations!"

"... Selling breakfast cereal?"

"Exactly. The fiends."

"O-kaaaaaay, I'll be sure to AVOID it, then." Dib said, deciding that if Zim was anywhere, it'd be Castle Spooky.

* * *

Meanwhile at Castle Spooky. Zim had managed to replenish his supply of Chinese food after their raid upon Wang Phat's Restaurant and they were ready to face down the vampiric demonworm that had infected him.

"This is it, GIR." The Irken said as the duo traveled through the massive graveyard that sprawled Castle Spooky's front yard. "As soon as the vile bloodpig is defeated and I am cured of this HORRIBLE AFFLICTION we can finally return home and continue our E-VIL plan to take over this disgusting rock!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Ah'm gunna eat a piece o' chocolate the size of Dib's head!"

They arrived at the giant doors of the castle, after several minutes of pushing and grunting, they managed to push one of the door far enough that they could enter the castle.

"You... you see that... GIR..." Zim began, sweating and panting profusely after the great, physical strain of opening the door. "The... fools... didn't even... didn't even bother to lock the door!"

After catching his breath, Zim composed himself and began to march forward. "Keep your eyes open, GIR. Entering this place was much too easy. They've probably booby-trapped this entire fortress with all manner of ingenious, nigh-invisible- AHHHHHHH!"

The Irken screamed as he fell into the massive, obvious, gaping hole in the floor, having completely ignored the large: Beware of Gaping Hole sign that was posted right in front of the aforementioned gaping hole. His cybernetic companion stared at the abyss his master had disappeared into for a moment before cannonballing into the darkness.

"WHEEEEEE!"


	5. Chapter 5

Dib arrived at Castle Spooky five minutes after Zim's entrance to the giant, concrete Castle. The big-headed boy looked up at the spooky, out-of-place Gothic Castle on the edge of the city as a thought occurred to him.

"Hey... waitaminute. Why would Zim go here, anyway? He's got a perfectly creepy lair back at his base! Aw, man! I feel like an IDIOT! I dragged this stupid thing here for nothing! Wait..." Dib spotted something laying on the pathway up to the castle, dragging the heavy, anti-vampire weaponry behind him, he made his way up the path and picked up the object he had seen. An empty takeout box.  
"Still warm..." Dib swiped a finger upon the inside of the container, tasting a sample of what it once held.

"Ketchup and hoisin sauce. Wang Phat's, definitely! Zim's been here! I knew it!" The big-headed boy struck a heroic pose, chastising himself internally for ever doubting his instincts. He then continued the arduous task of dragging the Stake-inator up to the castle, grunting like a feral pig at the effort required. It was then that he noticed that he wasn't making half the noises he was hearing. Looking around, Dib realized that he wasn't alone in the graveyard anymore.

"ZOMBIES!" He screamed as the dead rised from their graves. The poor boy had stumbled right into the Zombie Apocalypse.

The Zombocalypse, if you will.

Howling in terror, he left the Stake-inator behind as he sped towards the Castle's enterance. Upon finding the gap in the door in which Zim and his minion had slipped through earlier, he dove into the Castle. Well, he would have, if his head didn't get stuck in the door.

"Oh, come ON!" Dib exclaimed, wriggling like an epileptic fish as the zombies started to descend upon his fat head, he finally managed to free himself. He pushed the heavy door closed on his undead pursuers, severing a zombie's arms as he did so.

"Whew! That was a close one!" Dib said, sliding down against the heavy door.

"Well, I may have lost the ultimate, vampire-slaying weapon... but, at least I still have this banana." The big-headed boy said, pulling out the crescent, yellow fruit he had kept on the assumption that he'd probably be hungry. Holding the banana like a dagger and mustering as much confedance as he could given he was about to face down a ferocious, noodle-sucking, alien vampire armed with nothing more than a piece of fruit, Dib set off into the Castle, circling around the large, gaping hole in the floor and up the grand staircase.

"It sure was nice of them to put up that sign."

* * *

Meanwhile, outside the castle. Gaz had finally caught up with her brother. Seeing her siblings unmistakable, fat head squeeze past the door as he fled from the zombie horde, the demonchild knew she was in the right place. She walked up the path to the castle, the forsaken Stake-inator crossing her path as the lumbering zombies suddenly noticed her presence.

* * *

Back inside the castle, Dib made his way down a long, dimly lit hallway. Passing a picture of a pig with eyes that seemed to follow him as he past, the big-headed boy fell back upon his familiar habit of talking to himself.

"Wow! This place is massive! Zim could be anywhere! And who knows what kind of spooky traps await me up ahead!" The words had only just left Dib's babbling mouth when the door of a broom closet burst open ahead of him. A reanimated human skeleton springing out in front of Dib's path.

"BLAAAAAAH!" The skeleton exclaimed loudly at the big-headed boy, attempting to scare the living daylights out of him. Dib just stared at him. The skeleton, wiggled his boney fingers menacingly, Dib still just stared at him. The reanimated bones started to do an upbeat little dance. Still nothing. Shoulders sagging, the skeleton waved dismissively at the big-headed little punk and returned to his closet, closing the door behind him and waiting for the next passerby to come around.

* * *

Back in the foyer, the heavy doors burst open, crows flying in as Gaz strode across the threshold, Stake-inator resting on her shoulder and a horde of zombies laying defeated behind her. The whole thing would have looked just beautiful in slow-motion. The spooky, doomchild headed up the grand staircase and headed down the hall, poking the eyes of the pig portrait as she passed, causing something behind the painting to scream in agony. Dib had already pressed ahead by the time she reached the skeleton's closet.

"BLAH!" The skeleton exclaimed as he burst from the closet for the final time in his undeath.

* * *

Further down the long hallways, Dib was getting bored right out of his colossal skull. Castle Spooky had so far been a major let-down. And he was seriously having second thoughts about the banana. Looking over the various dreary portraits on the wall as he continued to trek down the endless hallways, the big-headed boy suddenly heard snarling in front of him.

"What the-" Dib began to say as he found himself staring right at a couple of ugly, growling lycanthropes possessing long bodies and short legs.

"AHHH! HIDEOUS WEREWEASELS!" The lycanthropic mustela stopped growling for a brief moment, seemingly offended by being called hideous, they continued growling, even louder, at the rude, big-headed boy. Deciding that a piece of yellow fruit wasn't going to be much use against the angry demon weasels, Dib did the sensible thing and ran as fast as his little legs could carry him, the wereweasels giving chase. Turning a corner, Dib found himself in a Hallway of Freleng Doors, which every spooky castle and or manor were required to have BY LAW. After several minutes of running through and slamming the redundant doors, Dib decided that he wasn't about to lose his pursuers in a cheap, visual gag and fled from the horrible, asinine room.

* * *

Gaz could hear her sibling's screaming from down the hall, ceasing of her game of kick the can with a human skull, she watched as her beloathed brother ran down the hall, tripping and falling right at her feet. The big-headed boy looked up at his spooky sibling and held up his hand, pleadingly.

"Help me, Gaz! They're after me! The hideous, angry wereweasels! I managed to slow them down with a hallways of HORRIBLE DOORS! But they're right on my tail! HELP ME!" Gaz looked down at her pathetic sibling, feeling torn. On the one hand, watching her brother being torn limb from limb by angry mustelamen would be entertaining and would make her trip to Castle Spooky almost worth while. On the other hand, her dad might be a little upset if his only son was devoured by angry wereweasels. Plus, there was always the chance that Dib would survive the maiming and be cursed to transform into a wereweasel every full moon. Having a household covered in greasy, shedded weasel hair didn't hold too much appeal with Gaz.

The purple-haired girl gave a sigh, stepping over her fallen, big-headed brother and holding up her hand to the fastly-approaching wereweasels. The long, greasy beasts came to a screeching halt infront of the demonchild. The violently-tempered, violet-haired girl then brought up her fist and plunged it into the wall. From the newly created hole she pulled forth a moldy, old ham and waved it around infront of the hungry wereweasels, capturing their attention. She threw the ancient ham off to the side, the beasts chasing after it as it bounced over the railing of a balcony.

It took Dib a moment to catch his breath, when he did, he just had to ask: "What... what WAS that?!"

Gaz turned to her sibling and gave a shrug. "Wall meat."


	6. Chapter 6

Several minutes after Dib's fearful reunion with his sister, they continued onwards, deeper and deeper into Castle Spooky. Gaz had grown tired of lugging around the heavy Stake-inator and had given it back to her big-headed sibling in exchange for the banana, it had been more than fifteen minutes since dinner at Wang Phat's, after all. The children of Membrane traveled the twisting, spooky halls for what felt like hours until they finally came across a ballroom with a balcony overlooking the city.

"Well, I'm lost." Dib admitted looking around the colossal room, "I wonder if that dancing skeleton could have given me directions..."

"Doubt it." Gaz said, taking another bite out of the banana. She had seen to it that it was no longer a possibility.

"Well, I suppose we'll just keep going then. We'll find Zim eventu-" Dib's train of thought was interrupted when a door swung open and none other than Countney entered the ballroom, dragging a semi-conscious, stretcher-laden Poonchy with one hand while drinking a can of Blood Poop Cola with the other.

"COUNTNEY?!"

The hyperactive vampire girl whirled around, staring wide-eyed at the big-headed boy and his frightening sister. Acting quickly, she tossed away the can of blood and suger and kicked the stretcher back down the hall she had come from. Adopting her familiar, manic smile and speaking in her usual voice that sounded like someone had sped up the audio of squirrels in a blender.

"Why, _**DIIIIIIIB!**_ What're you doing here?! Are you here to have a _**SLUMBER PARTY?! I LOVE SLUMBER PARTIES!**_"

"Countney, listen! There's a dangerous vampire on the loose! You have to get out of here!" Dib clearly hadn't noticed the can of blood nor his kidnapped classmate as he was currently stuck in hero mode.

"Her name is _Count_-ney?" Gaz said, wondering how her usually paranoid, obsessive-compulsive sibling could have let that little nugget of information slip through the cracks.

Dib, of course, wasn't listening as he continued to plead with the vampire girl for her own safety, "Things are going to get REALLY ugly! It's best if you go home!"

Countney let out another one of her shrill giggles, causing some of the nearby wallpaper to peel from the grating sound. "I AM home, you big _**SILLY!**_"

Dib was shocked, he really shouldn't have been, but he was. "You... live here? But, that would mean you're a... you're a..."

"-HIDEOUS, BITEY BLOODPIG!" All eyes turned towards the hallway at the opposite side of the ballroom to behold the source of the exclamation. Zim.

"_**YOU?!**_ But, how did you escape from the _**MAZE OF SUFFERING!**_" Countney screeched at the mutant Irken.

"Your filthy, cluttered human basement was no match for my ingenious brain!" Zim boasted.

"WE ASKED A SKELLINGTON FOR DIRECTIONS!" GIR exclaimed, still by his master's side.

"SILENCE, GIR!" The Irken shouted, chastising his minion for revealing their method of escape. It was at that point, however, that Zim's watch went off and he doubled over as the hunger returned.

"Oh, come on! That was so not fifteen minutes!" Zim cursed, his wooden fang descending as he hissed. He growled and sprinted forward, picking Countney up by the scruff of her jacket.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! This wretched infection ends here and now! GIR! Bring me the-" Zim's train of thought was suddenly derailed when he noticed that the sickeningly sweet girl he had just picked up was snarling like a bag of rabid wolverine. In a split second, one of Countney's grew large, muscled and grotesque and she backhanded the Irken across the room before continuing her hideous transformation. Her other arm grew like it's twin, both appendages growing long like those of an orangutan's, the rest of her body swelled up with grotesque muscle as her fangs grew to the size of walrus tusks and a pair of flesh-colored, sickly bat wings sprouted from her now-broad shoulders.

It was both incredibly impressive and utterly disgusting.

"WHOA! I didn't know we could do THAT! Hold on, gimme a sec!" Zim began to strain and grunt, trying to begin his own transformation. The transformed Countney just waited patiently.

"AL-MOST... GOT... IT... HNNNNGH!" Despite all of the Irken's straining and squeezing it didn't seem to be going much of anywhere. Countney raised a disgusting claw to say something when a couple of snapping noises were heard. Zim's chopstick fangs had split apart into four. It was then that the proverbial floodgates opened. The Irken's body grew hulking, huge and misshapen much like his human-vampire counterpart. However, in place of wings, two long insect legs sprouted from each shoulder and instead of growing massive and walrus-like, two fleshy, baby-like arms sprouted from Zim's gums, holding the chopsticks expertly in their chubby, little fingers.

"Hey, this is neat!" Zim said, admiring his new form, his voice deep and monstrous.

"_**I KNOW, RIGHT?!**_" Countney's voice had also grown deeper, but somehow was no less screechy or annoying.

The two transformed vampires took a few moments to nod in agreement before hissing and charging at each other, fangs bared and chopsticks clicking. As the blood and noodle suckers clawed and swiped at each other in fearsome battle, Dib lifted up the heavy Stake-inator, aiming it towards the mutated Irken, but hesitation stayed his hand.

"What're you waiting for?" Gaz asked, taking another big bite of banana.

Dib looked panicked as he kept his aim upon his green nemesis, "I can't get a clear shot!"

"So? They're both vampires. Why do you care?"

"... Oh yeah! Thanks, Gaz!" The big-headed said, pulling the trigger.

_Thung! Thung-thung-thung-thun-thun-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-t h-th-th!_

Dib screamed like a howler monkey as the Stake-inator fired full-auto, stakes shooting everywhere as the kickback from the weapon shook Dib like someone shaking a baby. The wooden spikes embedding themselves everywhere BUT the vampires locked in immortal combat. This went on for some time. Finally, the Stake-inator ran out of ammunition and, having been shaken up worse than a can of soda in the foot well of a race car, Dib dropped the weapon and threw up.

"That... that was horrible." Gaz said, disgusted by her sibling's terrible aim.

Dib groaned, covering his mouth as his cheeks ballooned again, feeling the urge to vomit again. The scary doomchild rolled her eyes, eating the last bit of banana and deciding to put an end to the fight that was already begining to bore her, threw the banana peel right into the path of Countney. With a soft, wet squish the vampire girl's foot came down upon the banana peel and she let out a scream.

"EWWWW! YUCKY!" She exclaimed, lifting her foot to look at the squished banana that was now stuck to her foot. Hopping on one leg, the vampire girl grumbled and cursed, trying to scrap the peel from her foot with a stick. Zim stared at his occupied opponant for a moment before realizing that this was the chance he had been waiting for.

"NOW, GIR!" He shouted at his robot dog slave, who leaped right out of the rain-resistant poncho-clad dogsuit and into the air, landing stiff-as-a-board right into his master's gross, mutated hands. The Irken pumped the automation's body as though he were a shotgun.  
CA-CHUNK!

Countney made a confused grunt as she looked up and found herself face to face with the blue-eyed robot.

"SUKKIT!" GIR squealed happily in the wide-eyed vampire girl's face as he lowered his open head and shot the screechy female right in the face, blasting her back into the far wall. After a few moments, the dust cleared to reveal the large, monster-shaped imprint upon the wall with Countney, in her human form, in the center of it, a rib-eye steak still sticking to her head.

Don't you dare say you didn't see this coming.

The vampire girl gave a groan as she slid down the wall and fell onto her face. Dib just stared, jaw dropped to the floor at what just occurred. It took a second for the shock to dissipate, but when it did, it was replaced by a blinding, indignant rage.

"ZIM, YOU MORON! You shot meat at her! You're supposed to use a wooden stake, you IDIOT! Hey, what the-" The big-headed boy whirled around as he heard the sound of Zim's chopstick fangs falling upon the floor. The Irken's form began to shrink, the extra appendages retreating back into his body as he returned to normal.

"The curse is lifted! VICTORY FOR ZIM!" Zim exclaimed, throwing his fists up in the air as the terrible, noodle-craving hunger was cured.

"Oh, come on! It does NOT work that way!" The Big-headed boy shouted, feeling more than a little bit betrayed by the universe, he crossed his arms and sulked as his green-skinned nemesis had himself a little victory dance.

Attention was then turned towards the squeaky whimpering on the other side of the room, near the crater. Countney had gotten to her feet, lip thrust out in a pout and eyes wide, round and teared up as the steak slowly slide down her face and onto the floor. It was then that the screechy girl gave her biggest screech yet.

_**"DAD-DY! THE ICKY GREEN KID THREW MEAT AT MEEEEEEE!"**_

"Daddy?" Dib said, his brief confusion replaced by mind-numbing fear as the castle began to tremor and shake. Something big was coming. The huge, double doors opposite the balcony burst open, fog flowing into the room as a dark, terrible coffin levitated into the room and stood upright like a monolith. Fear gripped everyone in the room (except for Gaz and GIR), as the coffin creaked open to reveal it's occupant.

It was Count Cocofang.

"Uhhh! Stop throwing meat at my daugh-ter!" The Count groaned, wiggling his fingers in a terrifying manner. One could hear a pin drop in the following silence.

Dib was the first to break the silence, "Count Cocofang... you're a REAL vampire?!"

Cocofang's arms dropped limply to his sides, a deep look upon his face.

"I USED to be real..." He said sorrowfully as he recalled distant, happier memories of his life. He was young, skinny and looked just like he did on the cereal box, frolicking happily through a field of daisies, a mob of angry villagers chasing him.

"I was young and handsome! Not a care in the world! Things may not have been perfect for a vampire, but they were good enough! Until one night, when inspiration came to me in the form of a FrankenChokie Commercial! I created my own brand of breatfast cereal called Coco Splodies! A breakfast so sweet, so chocolicious, so chock-full of sugar that kids were enable to resist it! Using my own spoOoOoOoky image to market the cereal, I soon had supermarkets across the country peddling my delicious fudge-nuggets!"

"Ew." Dib said. Fudge-nuggets was not one of those words that sounded right in any context.

Cocofang remembered back to the golden days, he had fistfuls of money and was surrounded by attractive vampire women. "I made a fortune off selling that cereal! And I earned the love and respect of the vampire community! For you see, when the children's bloodsugar levels reached their peak, I would have their sweetened blood collected using mandatory skool blood drives!"

"I always wondered about those..." The big-headed boy commented.

"My fellow vampires loved... LOVED the taste of the sugar-infused blood! And I became even richer off marketing the sweet plasma to the vampire community!" The Count then began to weep.

"Oh! What a fool I was! Vampires were never meant to consume blood with such high sugar content! It was only after I was diagnosed with Vampiabetes that I realized the folly of what I had done! But, it was already too late! We were all fat, lazy and addicted to the sweet blood of sugar-ridden children! I had doomed my kind to a fate worse than death! Were fate not already cruel enough, the world saw fit to turn my only daughter into a horrible, hyperactive sugar-addict. Just like what I did to all those kiddies with my accursed breakfast cereal!"

"Oh, daddy! You're so SILLY!" Countney exclaimed, twitching and jittering uncontrollably.

"See what I mean?" Cocofang said, gesturing towards his twitchy spawn before groaning and sitting down in a nearby recliner, slouching lazily as he turned on the T.V.

"Wow... that's... that's HORRIBLE." Dib said, shocked and appalled at the Count's sad tale.

"... Can I have your autograph?" Gaz said, holding up an unopened box of Coco Splodies.

"Sure, bring it here." The washed-up vampire said, taking out a pen and signing the cereal box. Realization suddenly hit Dib like the grappling hook that suddenly snatched GIR without nobody noticed.

"Waitaminute! If you're real then... then that means Bill ISN'T crazy!" The big-headed boy said in complete and utter horror. The Count responded as he handed the cereal box back to the purple-haired girl.

"Whaddya nuts? 'Course he's crazy! Have you met the guy?!"

"Crazy like a fish, Count Cocofang!" Came a voice from the balcony. It was Bill, he was clean shaven, held a bunch of bananas and seemed to have climbed up the balcony using a grappling hook. "Crazy like a fish!"

"You DARE come into my lair! I thought I put a restraining order out on you!" Cocofang said, not bothering to get out of his chair.

"The laws passed down in your sinister vampiric court have no sway over the lives of mortal men!"

"It was a regular court, you tried to stab me in a crowded mall!"

Bill turned his attention towards Dib, "Little man, I have you to thank for shining the light of truth over my sad state of unwashed self-pity and reminding me what's right with the world! When I saw how willing you were to do battle with the 'Fang, I realized that if this little chump was willing to risk everything to fight the evil, sucky hordes than so should I! Join me, little man! Together, we can put an end to Count Cocofang's reign of terror and finish this, once and for all!"

By the end of Bill's little speech, Dib found himself massaging his temples. Meanwhile, Cocofang was gesturing at the insane, paranormal investigator in a _can you believe this guy?_ manner.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Zim said, knowing all too well what it's like to be chased by a deranged human.

With a sigh, Dib said, "I don't care anymore. I've had enough for one night."

"You're right, little man! This is something I have to do myself!" Bill said, pulling a banana from the bunch he had brought with him, "C'mon, 'Fang! Let's dance!"

"Get out of my house!" Cocofang shouted, not even reacting when the banana hit him in the head with a squeak.

"Quit it." The Count said, as Bill threw another another banana. The exchange went on like this for some time. Zim, Gaz and Dib decided to leave at this point. There was only so much stupidity one could take in a day. Finally, Cocofang grew tired of the banana lobbing maniac.

"That's it... get 'em... Wharwahssels..." The Count slurred as his pet Wereweasels bounded into the room, GIR riding upon one's back, and pounced upon the banana-lobbing idiot. As the beasts maimed Bill, who was laughing as saying things like: "Is that all you've got?!" Countney giggled and cheered while Cocofang reached over to the table next to his recliner and grabbed his phone, "I'm calling the police."

Later, back at Zim's Base. Skoodge was sitting on the couch, typing on his laptop when Zim and GIR returned. He gave a smile and asked, "Hey, buddy! How'd it go?!"

"Don't ask." Zim said as he headed to the kitchen and into the lab, GIR trailing behind him, holding up a bunch of bananas like a trophy.

"Alright then." Skoodge said, watching Zim vanish down into the depths of the base. A call came in on his laptop, which he promptly answered.

"Agent Bloated Rat here!"

THE END.


End file.
